O- Very Hard decision

Years ago I learned that I had a BRCA1 genetic mutation. 

This discovery had been a long time coming.  For years I had suspected this, worried about this, and sought out Doctors and professionals who would help validate this.   That was a long, hard and stressful journey.   Although it was a disappointment to learn of this genetic predisposition, it was in no way a surprise.   

What has resulted in the past eight years is a journey so personal and all encompassing, I am not sure the full story will ever find its way onto this blog.   It has included visits with specialists, MRIs, regular screening, constant trips to Calgary, hours of prayer, a mastectomy, a harrowing six months without breasts, reconstruction, the heart wrenching decision to have my tubes removed, and most recently and finally - a complete hysterectomy.   This last procedure being the hardest decision that I have ever had to make for myself.   

For the past three or four years in particular, I have wondered if I could actually bring myself to do this, something so completely irreversible and permanent in its result.  I have bounced back and forth between fears of the disease, and fears of preventative consequences.  The though of being menopausal by my late 30s has terrified me for a long time.   So many times I prayed for someone, anyone to just tell me what to do!   Apparently though, Doctors like to remain as unbiased as possible and leave the difficult decisions to the ones who have to live with them.   Weird;) 

One day, a year ago, I sat in a session of Stake Conference and listened as our newly called Stake President shared his personal battle with this disease, and he encouraged everyone listening to "act on the things that nag us."   He told us that if there is something that is constantly on our mind - we should not ignore it.   I sat there on that hard, cold, metal chair and felt more comfortable, more at ease, than I had in years.   In my mind, I could see that the one thing nagging at me constantly was this decision.   As I listened to him speak, I asked myself, "What if I did it.  What if I just went ahead with the hysterectomy?"   In that moment - I felt peace.

I had no idea how many times since then I would have to go back to that moment, but it was a clear moment in which I had actually felt as though I had been given "help" deciding.   

That was a year ago.   

Last week I went into the hospital on June 22nd and had a preventative mastectomy.  

The recovery is going incredibly well.

I feel nervous about menopause.

I feel sad as I consider all I have put my body through over the past few years.

But I still feel peace.  

I'm sitting here this evening feeling convinced that there is nothing better - than peace.