A Purrrr-fect Afternoon on the Farm

A couple of weeks back my brother Chad posted an announcement to a family group chat, notifying us that their farm cat was a new mamma and they were the proud owners of 6 new kittens!

Somehow, Abby was often one of them (how does that happen?;) though all that really means is that she got to name it.  Little "Calcipher" is still going to live on the farm.  

One weekday afternoon we decided to go for a drive to see how our favourite family of felines was doing!   Chad and Heather were so kind about letting us go down to the farm, but due to COVID regulations, we had to make sure we went at a time when nobody else in the family would be there.  

I think it is safe to say that Abby is a cat lady at heart.  If we let her, she'd have brought all six of them home with her.  

When they are this cute and small, I think I'd take all 6 of them too!

When the kids weren't cuddling kitties, we also took turns shooting targets and exploring this place we love so much.

 We had so much fun, we didn't want to leave.  Even John agreed that it'd be wise of us to grab some dinner from town so that we could stay longer.  This pizza was my childhood. 

 Topped with green peppers, onion, sausage, pepperoni and shrimp - so yummy!

We tried to leave a message for Chad in the snow.  It was so nice of him to let us use his farm on his birthday! 

Oh, and I'll end this post with this picture which pretty much sums up how our perfect evening ended.

Easter

It was a different kind of Easter for us this year, what with the quarantine and all, yet we tried to make the best of it.  

Some highlights:

Egg Jousting!!  - Taught to us by my sister in law, Luci, this involves decorating a hard-boiled egg, creating a bracket, and competing to see who's egg is toughest of all! 

 (I beat out Grandpa in the final round, but do big deal;)

The Easter bunny managed to drop off a few things this year, and the holiday is never complete until we've made Rice Krispie nests for John.  

We've been having Grandpa join us each Sunday for Sacrament Meeting.   

Having church at home has truly been one of the sweetest parts of this pandemic.   

We've gotten to hear Grandpa speak a few times so far and it honestly seems like every single person is attentive and invested in the purpose of the meeting.  

This particular Sunday provided us with an extra opportunity to celebrate the best news this world has ever received - the news that He had Risen and the promise that we would too.

Hallelujah!

That time when everything fell apart

I've debated posting on this topic and then realized that the surgery I had back in February has continued to be a big part of our days, since.  Why would I leave it out?  

The surgery I had to have was called a Tram Flap procedure, due to some past preventative and reconstructive surgeries done almost a decade ago.    In short, after my mastectomy in 2011 I had reconstructive implants put in, only to find that that product has been recalled and it was recommended that I have them removed sooner than later.  Because this was prophylactic, I had a couple of options in front of me.  I could choose a two-hour surgery and do a quick swap, but that would require future surgeries and offered no guarantee that the new product used would be any safer.   The other option was to have an 11-hour surgery that involved removing the toxic implants and then taking abdominal tissue for the reconstruction.   The surgery would be substantially longer but came with an assurance that nothing synthetic would be in me anymore and I would never need to have another surgery again.  

For months I wondered, read, and prayed about this. 

In the end, I chose the latter, opting for the 11-hour surgery, and was booked in for Feb 11, 2020.  

For months I had to refrain from exercising/working out, and had to try to gain as much weight as possible, which certainly did a number on my overall mental health.   I won't lie, it was kinda nice to go through Christmas without worrying at all about what to eat, but by the time February rolled around, I was a mess.   I had never done anything quite like this before and I could barely handle the fear.   This picture was taken just a couple of days prior to my surgery and thanks to an extended amount of needed recovery time and the unwelcome arrival of COVID 19 - our kids have not gotten to play with their cousins since!

The fear I felt prior to my surgery on February 4 was unlike anything I have ever felt in my life.  

 The dread was profound and right up until the moment I went under, I questioned whether I was making the worst mistake ever.   All I wanted was to be on the other side of that surgery, awake and safe.  The actual surgery actually ended up only taking 9 hours, though it did take me a while longer to come out of sedation.   I was given a private 5 day stay in an ICU room where they monitored me closely to make sure the surgeons "work" had taken.   John was with me for the surgery but left the next day to return to work.  The days in that hospital were some of the loneliest I've felt in a long time, though I must acknowledge a few visitors:

  Every day a physical therapist came by to help me walk and practice certain basic gross motor skills.   It was exhausting and I didn't like being pushed, yet his visits offered a bit of variety to the otherwise monotonous day, so I was willing to play along. 

On day 2, my sister Jewel surprised me and drove up for a visit.   She painted my nails, did laps around the nurses unit with me, and left a bag of clothes she'd repurposed into something I could put on with ease and comfortably wear. 

My sister in law Rachel stopped by one evening as well and brought some sweet gifts, though it was the visit that meant the most.   

I worked really hard to get up and walking as often as possible, suspecting that if I could be seen being active, the doctor would feel compelled to let me go home early.  It worked like a charm!  I went in on a Tuesday morning and got to go home one day early on Friday.  

Oh, the relief I felt on that drive home.

I was so GLAD to be away from those gray walls, those smells, that food.   

I was welcomed home by four delightfully sweet and attentive kids, a warm meal, and a recliner that John had borrowed from his Dad.  John was so helpful and worked hard to make sure that kids were fed each day, school lunches got made, the house stayed clean and everyone got to where they needed to be each day.  He would get up at 3:00 or 4;00 each morning to top up my pain meds, help me to the bathroom, or adjust a pillow for me.  It was a level of care he has never had to give before and he gave it so willingly and without complaint.  I will forever be grateful for this service from him.  

I wish I could say that this was the end of my surgery story, but at four weeks post-op things changed, and not for the better.  In total I had four incisions on my front torso, one of them being about a foot and a half long.   For some reason a six-inch stretch of this incision reopened, and over the course of the next month, I would reopen two more times, each time requiring that I go to Calgary so that the wound could be debrided and restitched.   In the end it was decided that they would leave the wound open, pack it with iodine strips and let it grow in from the bottom up.  For weeks, I tried to manage this on my own, but as my overall health began to decline it became apparent that I needed more help. I was figuratively and coming unravelled.  It seemed as though there were two issues at play, hindering my recovery, and tests were done to see if we could get to the route of the problem.  

After meeting with many specialists, I was put on Plaquenil, a drug that is commonly used to treat Lupus.  Ten years ago I was told that I had seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis, something of which I had been told had gone into remission a couple of years back.   The best my rheumatologist was able to suggest was that one of three things has happened:

1) My Rheumatoid Arthritis has returned contributing to post-surgery complication

2) Arthritis has actually turned into Lupus, which could explain the attack on my skin

or...what she really suspects...

3) I never really had Rheumatoid Arthritis, but rather Lupus all long.

I'm really not sure what explanation I prefer, but I do know that since starting the set course of treatment I have finally, finally begun to heal.   I feel strength returning, and my overall sense of well being has improved so much.  

A few times a week, a home care nurse helps me with this wound, and every day it is getting smaller and smaller.  

I have been grateful for the nurses, my sisters, and others who have extended such kindness and encouragement.   This has felt like a very lonely journey, but just when I think I can't bare the feeling, someone reaches out and reminds me that I'm truly never alone.  

I've been grateful for my kids who have been so thoughtful and left all sorts of uplifting/humorous notes around the house.  They have been the brightest part of my days over these past three months. 

I've been grateful for this quarantine, though I may be the only person around who would ever say that.  Going through this amidst the COVID pandemic has felt a little unnerving, but it hasn't been without a silver lining.   For one, Moroni's Quest has had to be postponed, which is a blessing in disguise as I just couldn't have been healed in time.   The closing of schools, cancellation of sports events etc has brought the kids home and slowed our schedules right down, which has again - been exactly what I've needed.   We give a lot less thought to "time" and that has been an incredible gift! 

This past week I joined my girls on a walk down by the creek.  It felt so good to be walking again, looking for snakes, and feeling the sun on my face.  

 Most of all, I am grateful to my Savior.  There have been moments where I have truly felt carried and sustained in a way that you only can when you feel like everything in your life is falling apart.  He has the power to heal every wound, soothe every heart, and comfort every soul.  My heart is full of gratitude for family, a home to be safely gathered in, and the healing and strengthening power that I know is at play in my life.

My life is good. 

Quarantining it up

Since my last post, the whole world has been turned upside down.  

At the beginning of February, I had to spend a week in the Foothills hospital.  I had a lot of time to watch TV and I watched as the same story played out on every channel.  A novel virus, dubbed Covid-19, was ravaging Wuhan China.   A cruise ship was being quarantined because of illness onboard, and the worry was that this virus could spread.

Weeks later the spread of this virus was officially dubbed a Pandemic.

Days later and we were shocked to learn how quickly things can change:

* Schools were canceled for the rest of the school year.  

* 90% of the public school support Staff in the province were laid off.  

* Group gatherings over 200 were banned.  Then 50.  Now 15.

* Toilet Paper, Hand Sanitizer, and masks were impossible to find.  Now so is yeast, flour, and depending on the day you go shopping - anything else!

* All Non-essential businesses have had to close their doors. 

*National Parks, playgrounds and public spaces are closed.

* Gas prices have plummeted causing a guaranteed long-lasting recession in our province. 

* The internet is ablaze with terrifying stories about this virus and the damage it has done to cities and families.  

* There are rumors of government scandal, of plots for forced vaccinations, and fearmongering for political and social gain.  

* Oh and several states in the US have been experiencing earthquakes, some of which could be felt from all the way up here!

I'm pretty sure I am scared right now, though the degree of it fluctuates.  

For the most part, we really are hunkered down here.   

Some of the moments we've enjoyed while quarentining:

John has moved his classroom home.  Since High School classes are now being taught online, John has created a pretty good set up in our music room.  Every morning he goes to work and shuts the door, reappearing 7 hours later.   I will say, he seems much busier now and there is no doubt that this transition has been a challenging one for him, and all teachers.  

I've been far less productive.  Confined to a recliner for weeks, the kids would come to me for help with their Math or English, but really, far less productive than John;)

Abby combats her housebound status by crafting it up.  So far she has painted her closet doors, her art box, she's working on painting a deck of cards and has plans to paint a sweatshirt with bleach.  She's also turned to the piano more lately, downloading music and learning new scores.  

As a family we have taken up Poker.  

Most evenings end with a few rounds.  Jessica specializes in Straights.  Nate is the one who goes "all in" without ever glancing at his cards, and I'll proudly admit - I've pulled off a few good wins myself.

My other three kids have "productive moments" but have definitely adjusted to the downtime without any real complaints.  ;)

The picture above largely promoted this one.  

One month into isolated living and I'm finally figuring out we all need a bit of schedule in our lives.  

Oh and the kids have discovered that online shopping is another way to kill time.  

Purchases so far have included books,  Guitar Straps, hooks for guitars to hang on, a capo, dice for a D&D obsession, and most recently... matching and reversible bucket hats, because apparently, you can't pass up a saluting duck. 

Nate has sure made me laugh. 

He's built many forts over the past month - also of them smartly stocked with a supply of toilet paper, soap, snacks and whatever else he can find.  Truly - the exterior and shape of the fort looks different every time, but he's never without the necessities.  

During one of my more fear-filled moments, I made these facemasks with bandanas, elastics and coffee filters.  You know, just in case the kids are ever allowed to leave the house.

 Sam says he will never wear his.

I don't know why.

Church and all things related to church has been canceled for almost 6 weeks already.  

John works hard to make sure that we treat our home church with reverence and I have so enjoyed this hour-hour and a half each week.  

Grandpa has been joining us each week, which has made it extra special!

A few family members give talks and then someone teaches Sunday School afterward.  

Really kinda loving it.

Lately we've been able to go for Sunday afternoon strolls, something I am unbelievably grateful.  

It feels so good to walk, breathe fresh air and feel a bit of sunshine after a long and arduous winter. 

Jess and I have been watching a little Robin that has taken up residence in (or near) our back yard.  

What a sweet sign of spring!

Often, when I sit and think about how much things have changed in the past month or so I feel a nervous frustration and then I remind myself that we are not "stuck at home, we are safe at home."

I am so grateful for the reality that we are well.

We have time together and we have what we need. 

Frozen in March

For the past few months, Jessica has been a part of her Junior High School Drama club.   They have been preparing a musical production of "Frozen" and can I just say - it was adorable!

For months I have listened to Jessica lament about how embarrassing it was going to be, how she was going to have to hold a boys hand (what Queen wouldn't hold a King's hand?), how she had to sing a solo and learn hard dance moves, and how few of her friends were in it and it was going to be so awkward, and humiliating and she just didn't want to do it....

It.was.adorable.

Jessica filled a few roles.  She played the part of the Queen (Elsa and Anna's mother) as well as participated as a member of the Summer Chorus, Snow Chorus, and Castle Staff.  

She had lots of costume changes, danced her parts beautifully and summoned the hidden folk by song,  in the sweetest way possible!

She was a doll!

Is there anything better than watching your kid grow and stretch right before you very eyes?

I think not.

What matters most of all...

It was February 16th when I got a call from my Aunt Karen, notifying me that Uncle George had passed away in the early hours of the morning.   As I laid there for the rest of the morning, my heart sank to think of this incredible giant of a man, who was no longer with his family.  

He had suffered with Pancreatic cancer for a short six months and did so with more class and grace then imaginable.  He was a remarkable man.   A legend to so many.  To John, he was a former church leader, family friend, and even boss/mentor.   To me - he was a special link, a connection to my Mom's family that became more important to me with each passing year.   (My Mom was actually born on George's 1st birthday, which caused my Grandparents to name her Georgia Ellen.   Isn't that cute?)  Every time I was around George, I felt closer to my Mom.

He was a quiet man, who NEVER sought attention.  In fact, he shunned it.  Despite that though, when conditions were right, you could talk with George and learn the most interesting things.  He knew more about animals, rocks, land formations, birds, and the gospel than he ever let on, but learning from him was always a treat.   He was truly a fascination.  

I miss knowing that he is here, and I feel so sad for my darling Aunt Karen.

By the end of the week, many of my Toone relatives had made the trip up to Canada to celebrate his life.  In fact, there was only one cousin who could not come.   That is really kinda cool.   

On Friday, my siblings and I worked together to feed a meal to all of our relatives.  We ate, visited and got to know each other's kids.  

All of our kids (all great-grandkids of Leo and Afton Toone who were old enough) gathered together and went to the temple.  I couldn't accompany them, but some of my cousins went and it sounds like it was an incredible time together.

We gathered together to see Uncle George one last time.

Attended his lovely funeral service and tried to support his wife and kids.

On the last night together we gathered at the High School and watched old 8mm films of my Grandparents and their four kids.   Out of that family of 6, only one member (my Uncle Jim) remains.   It was a little sobering to observe him as he watched this footage of his family.  

I loved it because I saw footage of my mom that I had never seen before!  

I got to watch her as a child, getting pushed on the swings, blowing out candles on her and George's cakes, and excitedly riding in a motorboat in Waterton.  I couldn't take my eyes off of her. 

It was a special weekend.   

It was the type of weekend that had me feeling grateful for my Beazer/Toone heritage.   

I sometimes feel prone to curse the genetic dispositions that I have inherited, but there is more to be honored and privileged about than I could ever convey.

I should add that my brother Chad and his wife stayed with us for a couple of nights during this weekend and my kids had the FUNNEST time with them.   John and I went to bed one night near midnight and these rowdy 12 were just getting started with a card game.   It made my heart happy. 

 I felt incredibly grateful for the role my brother plays in my family and how I feel closer to my parents (particularly my Dad) when around him.  So, I guess I was feeling a little grateful for my Rausch heritage as well.  

Shortly after my Uncle George had returned home from his unuseful surgery I went over to his house for a visit.  It was the kind of visit where my heart felt heavy going, but by the time I left I had been so lifted an elevated, I wouldn't have been shocked at all had I seen angels surrounding Uncle George.  I suspect they were.   At one point in the conversation though, he stopped and turned to me and bore testimony that family really is the ONLY thing that matters.  We can spend our whole life worrying about money, or work, or owning things, but it all means nothing.  

Just Familly.

Kickin' it at the Powder Keg

We've spent the winter watching the weather (and our schedules) and hoping for a day when the kids could go skiing. Finally, in mid-February, thanks to a week off of school and a fresh dump of snow - that perfect day arrived.  

I wasn't able to accompany the family as I was recovering from a surgery I'd had a week or two prior, so it was with a lot of trepidation that I watched them all pull out of the driveway at 7:00 am.  John had done some research and was determined to try a new to us ski hill that he'd heard about.  It's called "Pass Powder Keg" and boasted a smaller hill and cheaper prices.   For a once a year family like ours, we felt optimistic that this hill would have something for all ranges of ability.  

By all accounts, it was a perfect day.  

Sam found challenging runs to play on and made a connection with a transient, homeless hippie.

 Jessica and Abby stuck together doing what they do best, which is skiing, mingled with some moments of tranquility on benches or laying in the snow staring up at the sky. 

 John stayed with Nate teaching him the ways of the tow rope.

The arrived back at home that evening full of excitement and stories of the day.

We've all vowed that next year we will definitely be going more than once!

The tender amidst the tough

February 2020 will forever be remembered as one of the hardest months (ready for this?) of my life!

It's true.  It was hard, painful, heartbreaking and disappointing.  

But like most challenging times - it wasn't without its tender moments:

Jessica officially became a teenager.   

Poor girl's special day came amidst a few arduous weeks, but Grandpa intuitively showed up for dinner with a cake in hand.  He said he knew I likely wouldn't be able to bake a cake for her so he thought he'd provide it.  (That man!). Jessica had no complaints about her lackluster day and in true Jessica fashion, she was happy with everyone and everything.  She loved her cake from Grandpa and loved the many last-minute "coupon" type gifts she was presented with.   I gifted her with an online shopping spree, and let me just say, we may have created a monster.   She is hooked!  

Like any typical teenager, she can spend a whole wackload of her parent's money lickety-split!

I did take her on our annual birthday lunch in Waterton and I'm glad I was able to.  Our February date to our favorite place is truly a highlight of each year for me!

Close on Jessica's heals, just a couple of weeks later - we celebrate Abby!

I marveled the night before her birthday that John and I have been parents now for 17 years and that he and I really should go out on March 4th to celebrate!   (Not that Abby's birthday is about us or anything;).  I managed to actually make a cake for Abby.  It was a two-layer chocolate oreo cake that was super sweet but I think I deserve points for effort.   We gifted Abby with her favorite treats, a gift card to Thrift Books and a future date with Mom to soak in a Sensory Deprivation Float Tank. 

 John thinks it is the dumbest thing ever, but Abby and I have been wanting to try it for months.  

Can't wait to go with her!

Sam.  What can I say. 

No kid worries me, stresses me out, keeps me awake at night, or causes as many intense conversations with John as we evaluate our parenting capacities - as Sam.  This kid has put us through our paces (think missed curfews, too many parties with friends, and even a skipped class or two) yet he manages to do so with such a flare that it is hard to really feel anything but absolute adoration for him.   We received a note from one of his teachers this week.   It said, "Sam is delightful.  Delightfully disorganized, but delightful.   You should have more kids."  To Sam's credit - he has been remarkably attentive to my own comfort level this month.  He has stepped in to help with laundry, has taken me on drives out to Beazer to look for eagles, and even accompanied me to Calgary taking on ALL the driving himself.   Underneath this cool-guy-teenage exterior is a real gentleman and a loyal friend.  

Nate is hilarious.  He's managed to find a few moments this month to show me some of his favorite cartoons on TV.  Gravity Falls and Finius and Ferb are two of his favorites.  Despite the fact that watching those shows makes me want to claw my eyes out, I've LOVED watching Nate get a kick out of the silliest things.   He finished another round of CHAMPS and really has improved in many areas of Basketball.  At the end of each Champs session, the kids are awarded a sugar glazed donut and it is no secret - this is the real reason Nate has a love for the game.   Nate has been calling me every day at lunchtime this month to "check-in."   Sometimes he will just see how I'm doing.  Other times he will share a joke, or lament about how bored he is and how school is sucking the life out of him.   Occasionally he'll turn the phone over to a classmate and that always makes for an interesting chat.   I seriously LOVE the way this kid works.

February also brought us a puzzle table (we may never stop doing puzzles now!),  Nate's magnet set (a Christmas gift that didn't arrive in time), and some of the most beautiful sunset and sunrises of the year!

When I look back on moments like these - February doesn't seem so bad.

Not bad at all.

Sam the baller

As I type this, Sam is in Medicine Hat participating in his last Basketball tournament of the season.

For the second half of the season, I've hardly been able to watch him play, but I have so looked forward to the moments when he would come home and tell me all about the game. 

Sometimes he would come home bummed because Coach hardly played him at all.  

Other times he would come home elated about how things went and how he did.  

We've spent a lot of time talking about this spot.

We've talked about the importance of playing for the team, of refraining from criticizing the refs, of respecting coaches, of not diving headfirst into hotel pools and not getting discouraged or "checking out" even though baseball season is just around the corner...

Lots and lots of conversation between John, Sam and I. 

 And most of it...was never really about basketball.